Reddit's imaginary "Cheesesteak Factory" is the most Philly thing ever
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Slabs of ribeye sizzling on the flat-top, trayfuls of freshly baked pretzels being delivered to tables, brusque waitstaff barking, "Backdoor, (expletive)" at departing customers.
- Welcome to the "Cheesesteak Factory" — a place Philadelphians only wish was real, but one that's sort of been brought to life in what is our favorite local Reddit post of the year.
Why it matters: Cheesesteaks are basically manna-yunk (get it?) from the maker. That's why people took the proverbial seeded Liscio's Bakery roll and ran with it.
The big picture: The thought experiment took off after one Reddit user misheard someone saying "Cheesecake Factory" — as in the one smack dab in Center City.
- From there, residents imagined their fantasy "upscale casual" restaurant come to life, complete with Philly-centric menus, decor, grating grill masters behind the counter and everyone's favorite mascot, Gritty, as the host.
What they're saying: "Seat reservation signs are just traffic cones," another Reddit user wrote, riffing on Philly residents' deep tradition of "savesies."
- Large parties are greeted with "yooze."
- When waiters come to your tables, they ask: "Still or sparkling wooder?"
Zoom in: We're a city of neighborhoods. So naturally, the joint must have rooms celebrating each area's unique flair.
- The Northeast Lounge has "a wood-paneled basement with pool tables, a few 80s arcade games, tons of TVs showing local sports 24/7," one user recommended.
- "No live game? Show repeats of historic wins."
The South Philly Suite — a nod to the neighborhood's deep Italian roots — is filled with plastic-covered sofas and chairs, kitschy tchotchkes "nonna" had in her dining room, oceans of wine served in "shareable jugs" and a Frankie Valli lookalike who sings nightly "unless he's too hungover."
Yes, and: A closet-sized Jersey Shore room where they serve pizza slices and custard cones, and you can listen to the "cawing of seagulls and at least three different types of tinny music," another user wrote.
What's on the menu: Frankford Avenue pretzels, "F–k Dallas" BBQ chicken cheesesteaks, a wiz fountain, Frank's Black Cherry Wishniak sodas.
- And for dessert: "Crumb bum pie" — inspired by the late former Mayor Frank Rizzo.
Phanatical house rules: Anyone caught entering the joint in Mets gear is booted out or has to pay double.
- Wait staff answers everything with "Go Birds."
- And meter maids ticket slow-poke diners to get them to move along.
The bottom line: Now we just need a few angel investors.
- Quick, someone hit up Sylvester Stallone and Jason Kelce.