Sep 7, 2023 - Sports

How To Fake It: What to know about the 2023 Chicago Bears

Photo of a coach and football players on the sidelines

Bears quarterback Justin Fields and coach Matt Eberflus stand on the sideline during a preseason game against the Bills at Soldier Field. Photo: Chris Sweda/Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

The Bears' regular season kicks off this Sunday at Soldier Field with a rivalry game against the Green Bay Packers.

  • So when you find yourself at a tailgate party feeling anxious about your Bears knowledge, let us help you prepare.

The offense

Photo of a football player during a play in a game.
Justin Fields looks to pass in the first of a preseason game against the Buffalo Bills at Soldier Field on August 26. Photo: Quinn Harris/Getty Images

The Bears offense is all about the quarterback. Even though Justin Fields is the best football player the Bears have right now, he holds a dismal 5-20 record as a starter over the past three seasons.

Yes, but: The team spent the offseason acquiring offensive weapons like D.J. Moore and drafting offensive tackle Darnell Wright in the first round to compliment Fields.

  • If you want to impress your party mates, a simple pre-kickoff shout of "Play the Wright way! No Moore excuses!" will send a message that you know your stuff and you aren't afraid of puns.

The defense

Photo of a football player on the field.
Jaquan Brisker defends against the Dallas Cowboys during a loss last October. Photo: Cooper Neill/Getty Images

As much as Bears fans want to pin the recent struggles on Fields, remember last year's defense was one of the worst in franchise history.

  • Over a five-game stretch, the offense put up over 30 points a game. Usually that's good enough for a win.

Yes, but: For the Bears, they lost four of those five games becoming the first team in NFL history to do so when scoring over 30 points a game. Feel free to use that nugget. The die-hards will love it and invite you closer to the grill.

Details: The front office was busy in trying to overhaul the Bears defense, bringing in pro-bowler Tremaine Edmunds and Eagles linebacker T.J. Edwards.

  • You could wow your friends with a "It's no Urlacher/Briggs, but I like what I'm seeing." Someone is going to be so impressed they will get you a new beer.

Special teams

Photo of football players walking off the field.
Velus Jones Jr. #12 after kickoff against the Washington Commanders at Soldier Field on Oct. 13, 2022. Photo: Michael Reaves/Getty Images

The Bears haven't solved their punt-returning problems that cost them games last year. They are trying different players out, including recently added Trent Taylor from the Bengals.

  • "Geez, who can return punts? Where's Hester? Is Tommy Waddle still playing? Has Leslie Frazier's knee injury healed yet?" That joke is a sleeper. It may go over people's heads or even elicit groans, but you also could get a huge laugh and get carried off into the sunset like a champion. Read the room.

Here are a few more party starters that will help you:

  • When linebacker Jack Sanborn makes a tackle: "See, we didn't need Roquan."
  • When Jaylon Johnson breaks up a pass: "Peanut!"
  • Fields throws an interception: "Put Bagent in!"
  • When coach Matt Eberflus throws a challenge flag: "See, he's way better than Nagy."
  • When Eberflus doesn't challenge: "Bring back Nagy."

The bottom line: If all else fails, tell everyone the Jay Cutler/urinal story as if it happened to you.


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