How Philly's beloved tortoise Mommy lost Axios' best animal story contest
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You can't win them all, Mommy. Photo: Courtesy of the Philadelphia Zoo
Dear Mommy, you are appreciated regardless of the heinous results of Axios Local's best animal story contest.
Why it matters: You either win or you learn — we learned that from Jalen Hurts.
Yes, and: We also learned we're not as gracious as Hurts, so here's our sour-grapes concession speech.
We're gathered here today to acknowledge Mommy's historic loss, a great tragedy in the animal kingdom.
- Democracy is great because voters get to decide who to elect, but it's also OK to acknowledge they got it wrong by electing Richmond's drunk-uncle raccoon as this great nation's best animal story.
Yes, but: What does "best" mean these days?
- Best apparently means valuing viral content over a story about legacy.
- Best apparently means clinging to addled fanaticism over facts.
- Best apparently means being unable to distinguish quirky from qualified.
- Best apparently means allowing the algorithm to disturb our circadian rhythms — and to influence votes cast with our heads, hearts and souls.
So, with that proper context, we concede that, yes, Richmond's Big Raccoon propaganda carried the day.
Zoom out: But 200 years from now, after millions more adoring Philadelphians have interacted with Mommy's offspring at the Philadelphia Zoo, we will look back at this moment in our nation's animal kingdom history and say confidently, clearly and unequivocally:
- Voters kept it reel, not real.