Why Philly's viral tortoise stands above stumblebums, a roadie and a crypto meme

Big Philly-style. Enter the roastmaster. Dig in:

Ralphie, as in what we'll do if you vote for this buff-oon.

Sorry, Columbus, there's only one Bird in Philly: Swoop.

One animal's symbiosis is another's sycophancy. Makes you rethink Denver's cute duo, doesn't it?

If Nawlins is so great, why does Scrim keep trying to bolt from the bayou?

Naturally, Archie made Phoenix drivers swerve when he was crossing the road. Because, let's face it, the alternative would've been cold-bloooooodeeeed!

• Reptile jokes aside, for purposes of this contest, dude is basically roadkill.

Muppet, AKA a bird that fell out of the sky. Yeah, no. Fly, Eagles, Fly.

A rambunctious stumblebum. That's rich, Rich-meh-n.

Sorry, $TUPI, but crypto is even too risky for the San Antonio Zoo.

We will not speak ill of the dead. A moment of silence for Claude. All right, let's keep it movin'.

OG? Oh, please. This doesn't even rank in Florida's top-10 Hall of Lame.

• Drinking a whole bottle of alcohol after bumbling down from the nose-bleeds? Sixers' fans got you covered.

The bottom line: This was just one big running "Your Mommy" joke.