Parents struggle to let go as kids head to college
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Many first-year college students from different states, backgrounds and majors have one thing in common: stressed-out parents struggling with the separation.
Why it matters: Parents have grown more involved in, and more anxious about, their kids' lives. That's changing the experience of going to college — and growing up.
- They’re using tech to track their kids, micromanaging orientation week and even having dorm sleepovers.
Zoom out: Headlines and stats detailing a worsening teen mental health crisis and pandemic-induced learning loss are stressing parents out.
- “When your kid is having stress or anxiety or depression and they’re living away from home, it’s heartbreaking,” says Lisa Heffernan, an author and the founder of a popular parent Facebook group called Grown and Flown.
On top of that, parents are just closer to their young adult kids than they used to be, she notes.
- 41% of parents say their young adult children rely on them a fair amount or a great deal for emotional support, according to a Pew Research Center survey.
“Some parents are holding onto a level of involvement that’s maybe healthy for a toddler deep into their kids’ teen years, when it maybe becomes unhealthy,” says Mathilde Ross, a senior staff psychiatrist at Boston University. “All of the messages out there are, ‘Look out for this! Look out for that!’ There are no messages like, ‘Hey, your kid can do this.’”
- “So, for a lot of parents, it’s unclear where the off ramp is.”
Zoom in: Parents’ stress is on display in online forums and Facebook groups— where parents are asking questions and offering emotional support to one another — as college students head back to school.
- "Sometimes I’m shocked at the level of what they’re asking about," says Jen Selby, who has two daughters in college in California. “Like, 'does my kid need shower shoes?’ I don’t know if the kids really need that help or if the parents just feel like they need to control everything.”
- Parents ask about the minute-to-minute details of orientation, ask other parents for advice on their kids’ roommate woes and where to shop for basic toiletries.
Counterpoint: Part of parents’ micromanaging is just them missing their kids and wanting to do the little things for them, Heffernan says.
- And "if you're asking in a Facebook group, that means you’re not bugging your kid."
The bottom line: “It’s a little bit painful for parents when kids go to college because it feels like they fully move on with their lives,” Ross says.
- “What I want parents to know is that their college-age kids are constantly thinking about their parents, they just don’t show it. Whenever something really good or really bad happens, the first thing they’re thinking about is their parents.”
