Ever heard the phrase "hat in hand"? Ever tried to embody it?

• 🎩 It's perhaps the least natural way for me to operate in the world. But I've been trying it more, Axios' Natalie Daher writes.

Why it matters: For all sorts of reasons, we can default to defensiveness when a partner, friend or co-worker tells us we're doing something wrong. That pesky habit can end a conversation that's supposed to clear the air.

• TIME's Angela Haupt recently put together a useful guide to getting less defensive.

🖼️ The big picture: Defensiveness often feels more like setting the record straight. But it can make us more entrenched in our own perspective and less able to hear someone else's.

• "The more defensive we become, the lonelier we become," psychiatrist Jeff Katzman tells TIME.

🏳️ A few tactics for waving the white flag:

1. ❤️‍🔥 Notice your physical warning signs. Maybe your chest tightens or your pulse spikes.

• That can tell you to slow down and take a beat before responding.

2. 🪞 Figure out what feels threatening. Often, it's not the point you're arguing about. It's your sense of yourself: that you're thoughtful, caring or good at your job.

• That can make a simple request seem like a personal attack.

3. 🫱 Trade certainty for curiosity. One of my favorite parts of aging is the creeping acceptance that I'm not nearly as certain as I once thought. In fact, I know very little at all.

• I took improv for two weeks and quit out of shame and mortification. But one tenet survives: "Yes, and."
• The idea applies here: Acknowledge the other person's experience. Hearing somebody out doesn't require surrendering your own viewpoint.

4. 🧮 Find the 2% truth. New York clinical psychologist Eli Kraiem, who specializes in couples therapy, uses this frame: Even if you think 98% of a critique is bunk, identify and own a small piece of it.

5. 😈 "Always" and "never" are devil words. "But" isn't your friend either. They invite generalizations, and can incite the other party.

6. 🧰 Keep a repair line handy.

• Try: "Help me understand what I'm missing here."
• Or go for the apology: "I'm sorry. Can we try that again?"

The bottom line: Hat in hand doesn't mean admitting you're wrong about everything. It means dropping the impulse to win long enough to hear what the other person is trying to tell you.

A traveler walks past Grand Central Terminal's towering arched windows in Manhattan earlier this week.