Why people are holding death cafes in San Francisco
Add Axios as your preferred source to
see more of our stories on Google.
Illustration: Allie Carl/Axios
Strangers in San Francisco are gathering over cake and tea to chat — about dying.
Why it matters: As anxiety about longevity and end-of-life care grows, "death cafes" are part of a movement to make death talk less taboo.
The big picture: Step into a death cafe and the first thing you'll notice is that it doesn't necessarily look like a group of people conversing about the end of life.
- There's cake. There's tea. There's laughter.
- "We've found over the years that people are starving for a safe place to share fears, beliefs, stories," Jim Van Buskirk, a retired librarian who co-hosts death cafes at the Potrero branch of the San Francisco Public Library, told Axios. "It's a wonderful way to simply and straightforwardly normalize the fact that we're all mortal."
Zoom in: Each 90-minute session starts with a poem reading and a moment of silence before participants share what brought them there.
- It might be the death anniversary of a pet, the loss of a parent or the end of a relationship. Grief is a part of daily life, and the goal is to normalize it, co-host Danielle Brandon told Axios.
- While death cafes are specifically not designed as grief support groups, topics of conversation range from suicide, communication with the dead, wills and hospice care, cultural stigma and more.
- The group size typically varies — their most recent meeting drew over 20 participants. Around half are regular attendees, while the other half are newcomers.
What they're saying: "What I see time and time again is so many of us feel like we're alone in this thing," said Brandon, a therapist who first began facilitating death cafes with Van Buskirk almost 10 years ago.
- The meetings can serve as a balm for people whose loved ones don't know how to show up for them after a loss.
- "I think what keeps people coming ... is that real vulnerability, authenticity, of people being able to share whatever is true for them," Brandon added.
State of play: Death cafes aren't just for those who are aging or have terminal illnesses.
- High school students who have lost a parent, a sibling, or a friend; ICU nurses burnt out from seeing how death is treated in hospitals; a new mother grappling with anxieties about mortality — any and all are welcome.
- The death cafe has, in fact, become one of the most intergenerational circles in Brandon's life as young people increasingly express interest.
Catch up quick: Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz organized the first "café mortel" in 2004, but the "death cafe" was popularized by Londoner Jon Underwood in 2011, who called himself a "death entrepreneur" and was inspired by the Buddhist concept of impermanence.
- Nearly 9,000 death cafes have been held across the world, and an updated interactive map helps conversation-seekers find upcoming death cafes.
What's next: The Potrero Branch Library hosts its next death cafe on March 18.