SouthPark’s Christmas tree went up before Halloween and I hate it.

A Christmas tree on October 30th.

And yet on the 57th day of Christmas, my local mall gave to me, a premature holiday tree.

That’s right. SouthPark’s giant Christmas tree rose up over the weekend like a dark, spiny overlord, cramming holiday cheer down my throat before I’d even carved my Halloween pumpkins. Can I at least finish the 14 pounds of candy we “bought for the trick-or-treaters” before I have to tolerate two months of commercial Christmas hype?

Apparently not.

I know exactly what you’re thinking: At least it’s not that highly offensive disaster of a galactic holiday spaceship glacier they put up last year!

And you are correct; a traditional tree is precisely 1000 times better than an icy Santa UFO. But a traditional tree on October 30 is unwelcome in my world. At least the glacier didn’t go up until the first week in November last year.

Christmas has always had a habit of stepping on other holidays’ toes. It’s been all up in Thanksgiving’s business as long as I’ve been alive, with holiday music taking over radio stations for the entire month of November and Black Friday shopping deals starting while your pumpkin pie is still digesting.

Last week I was in Target and noticed they had already begun flipping the Halloween merchandise for Christmas lights, Christmas tree stands and one lone Happy Thanksgiving sign.

And, this just in… As I type this on Halloween day, crews are out in Uptown hanging up wreaths and garland.

One holiday at a time, please.

The way I see it, Christmas is basically that party guest that shows up 30 minutes early while the host is still in a bathrobe, gets too drunk to drive home, spends the night on the couch and then won’t leave the next morning.

In this scenario, the party is the entire fall season, you are the host and Christmas is that hungover friend beer sweating all over your throw pillows and asking if you have any Advil.

Chill out, Christmas. We’re not ready for you. When the time is right, you’ll find me among the “jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse” just like Clark Griswold. But not a minute before.

So when exactly is an appropriate time to kick off the Christmas season? By my calendar, the day after Thanksgiving. So, I’m begging you, pump the brakes for a few more weeks.

Hate early Christmas as much as I do? You should read my rant about The Internet hype cycle of the holiday season. It’s super Scrooge-y.