The Internet hype cycle of the holiday season

It all starts with an abruptly authoritative but completely imaginary end to summer on Labor Day. Host your last barbecue, snap your best bikini shots and light all your white clothes on fire because it’s fall, baby! Don’t mind the fact that the actual calendar end of summer is still three weeks away or that it’ll be a balmy 75 degrees in Charlotte until December. Here on the Internet we’re cozied up in our chunkiest sweaters sipping pumpkin spice lattes until we vomit.

Because, OMG, you know what sounds good on this stifling 90-degree day? A piping hot disposable cup of coffee loaded down with sticky syrup infused with the holy triumvirate of warm seasonal spices: cinnamon, clove, nutmeg (#squadgoals).

Don’t forget the whipped cream because you don’t have to eat healthy food again until January 1. It’s a law here on the Internet.

Except remember you have to crash diet so you look your best in your sexy Ninja Turtle costume for Halloween. Be young, wild and free on this night of drunken mayhem because at the stroke of midnight the Internet’s seasonal calendar switches over immediately to the pre-Christmas season and you’ll turn into a turtleneck-wearing Martha Stewart on a mission to make everything in your life a living Pinterest board.

It’s November 1st and these perfectly flaky pie crusts aren’t going to make themselves, ladies and gentlemen. So crank up that NSYNC Christmas Pandora station and get to work (but not before tweeting about it, #LOL).

Sure, you’ve never made a pie from scratch and, no, you don’t really even like pie but you’ll make one (or six) if it takes the entire month and then kills you. And it might. But when your family sits down to express gratitude by gorging themselves on a dessert borne of your blood, sweat and tears, it’ll all be worth it because you posted it on Instagram.

This special meal is, of course, your seventh Thanksgiving of the season since you’ve already had one at work, at the gym, in line at the post office and at three friends’ houses because you are super popular (#friendsgiving). Your blood type is currently macaroni & cheese and for this you are grateful because you’ll need extra carbs to rid your home of any sign of this worthless speed bump of a holiday standing between you and the official official start of the Christmas season, which was 15 minutes ago.

Burn the festive fall leaves, throw away the food, punch a pilgrim in the face. Stop at nothing to turn your home into a glistening winter wonderland before you head out at midnight for the doorbuster Black Friday sales. You were only grateful for what you had an hour ago. Now you need some stuff and you need it more than you need sleep, family, sanity or financial security.

Of course, you don’t do all your shopping on Black Friday. That’s an amateur move because there’s still Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday and Giving Tuesday this week and, according to the Internet, you owe money to all of them. Obviously you should act like you’re not into material things but as long as you post a picture of yourself outside using REI’s #optoutside hashtag, you are cleared to buy loads and loads of crap.

Make time in your shopping schedule to buy outfits for the countless holiday parties you’ll be attending in the next few weeks unless, of course, you are a soulless Scrooge with no friends. These outfits should cause quite a bit a stress but make sure you save most of it for your New Year’s Eve outfit since you need to look like a walking sparkly J.Crew advertisement on that night or die trying.

Set your bar as high as possible for NYE and experience nothing without a photo op. It’s important that the night looks thrilling and that every second is documented online to help carry you through the grey gloom of the remaining holiday-less winter that will kick you straight in the face tomorrow morning.

When you wake up hungover and cursing the entire season, it’s time to leave it all behind and embark on a new year, new you. Make a bunch of resolutions to undo all the physical, emotional and financial damage you did over the last three months and thank god it’s all over. Remember, the year doesn’t start until you post a motivational quote and a photo of a green juice on Instagram.

Ooh, and look at that. Only 248 days left until it all starts again – on Monday, September 5, 2016, but who’s counting anyway?

I am. Me, the Internet. Can’t wait.