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Illustration: Axios Visuals

Last month, Axios Pro Rata readers helped build a joke-book for our kids to read, as many of us balance working from home with childcare and remote learning. Then they did it again. Now, it's time for Part III:

Why did the square go jogging?

To stay in shape!

Why did the baby cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What did the thousand island say to the refrigerator?

"Close the door, I'm dressing."

What’s green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

What did the science book say to the math book?

"You've got problems."

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? 

"DAM!"

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

Why did the invisible man turn down the new job? 

.He just couldn't see himself doing it.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

It was just a stage he was going through.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He felt crumby.

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr...ple.

My new girlfriend works at the zoo.

I think she’s a keeper.

What did one booger say to another?

"You think you're special, but you're snot."

Two muffins were sitting in the oven. The first muffin said, "It's hot in here!"

The second muffin said, "Look, a talking muffin!"

What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim, denim, denim

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

He was a double crosser.

Why was the painting sent to jail?

It was framed.

Why are grandma's teeth like the moon?

They come out at night.

What's the saddest fruit?

A blueberry.

How did Romans cut their hair?
With Caesars.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Knock knock...

  • Who’s there?
  • Mikey
  • Mikey who?
  • Come on, open up. I forgot my keys!

Go deeper

1 hour ago - World

Maximum pressure campaign escalates with Fakhrizadeh killing

Photo: Fars News Agency via AP

The assassination of Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, the architect of Iran’s military nuclear program, is a new height in the maximum pressure campaign led by the Trump administration and the Netanyahu government against Iran.

Why it matters: It exceeds the capture of the Iranian nuclear archives by the Mossad, and the sabotage in the advanced centrifuge facility in Natanz.

Scoop: Biden weighs retired General Lloyd Austin for Pentagon chief

Lloyd Austin testifying before Congress in 2015. Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Joe Biden is considering retired four-star General Lloyd Austin as his nominee for defense secretary, adding him to a shortlist that includes Jeh Johnson, Tammy Duckworth and Michele Flournoy, two sources with direct knowledge of the decision-making tell Axios.

Why it matters: A nominee for Pentagon chief was noticeably absent when the president-elect rolled out his national security team Tuesday. Flournoy had been widely seen as the likely pick, but Axios is told other factors — race, experience, Biden's comfort level — have come into play.

Updated 3 hours ago - Politics & Policy

Coronavirus dashboard

Illustration: Sarah Grillo/Axios

  1. Health: WHO: AstraZeneca vaccine must be evaluated on "more than a press release."
  2. Politics: Supreme Court backs religious groups on New York COVID restrictions.
  3. World: Thailand, Philippines sign deal with AstraZeneca for vaccine.
  4. Economy: Safety nets to disappear in December Black Friday shopping across the U.S., in photosAmazon hires 1,400 workers a day throughout pandemic.
  5. Education: National standardized tests delayed until 2022.