Illustration: Axios Visuals

Last month, Axios Pro Rata readers helped build a joke-book for our kids to read, as many of us balance working from home with childcare and remote learning. Then they did it again. Now, it's time for Part III:

Why did the square go jogging?

To stay in shape!

Why did the baby cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What did the thousand island say to the refrigerator?

"Close the door, I'm dressing."

What’s green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

What did the science book say to the math book?

"You've got problems."

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? 

"DAM!"

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

Why did the invisible man turn down the new job? 

.He just couldn't see himself doing it.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

It was just a stage he was going through.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He felt crumby.

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr...ple.

My new girlfriend works at the zoo.

I think she’s a keeper.

What did one booger say to another?

"You think you're special, but you're snot."

Two muffins were sitting in the oven. The first muffin said, "It's hot in here!"

The second muffin said, "Look, a talking muffin!"

What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear?

Denim, denim, denim

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

He was a double crosser.

Why was the painting sent to jail?

It was framed.

Why are grandma's teeth like the moon?

They come out at night.

What's the saddest fruit?

A blueberry.

How did Romans cut their hair?
With Caesars.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Knock knock...

  • Who’s there?
  • Mikey
  • Mikey who?
  • Come on, open up. I forgot my keys!

Go deeper

Virtual Emmys address chaotic year for American TV and society

Emmy Host Jimmy Kimmel during rehearsals Friday for the 72nd Annual Emmy Awards at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Photo: Al Seib/ Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

The Emmy Awards Sunday night addressed the major U.S. issues this year — including the protests on systemic racism and police brutality, the wildfires engulfing parts of the West Coast, the census, the pandemic, essential works and the election.

Why it matters: Award shows have always addressed wider cultural issues, but this year — amid unprecedented stress and uncertainty — that trend has accelerated.

Updated 44 mins ago - Politics & Policy

Coronavirus dashboard

Illustration: Sarah Grillo/Axios

  1. Global: Total confirmed cases as of 11:30 p.m. ET: 30,919,638 — Total deaths: 959,332— Total recoveries: 21,152,996Map.
  2. U.S.: Total confirmed cases as of 9:30p.m. ET: 6,799,141 — Total deaths: 199,474 — Total recoveries: 2,590,671 — Total tests: 95,108,559Map.
  3. Politics: Testing czar on Trump's CDC contradictions: "Everybody is right" Ex-FDA chief: Career scientists won't be "easily cowed" by political vaccine pressure.
  4. Education: What we overlooked in the switch to remote learning.
  5. Health: The dwindling chances of eliminating COVID-19 — 7 states set single-day coronavirus case records last week.
  6. World: England sets £10,000 fine for breaking self-isolation rules — The countries painting their pandemic recoveries green.

Arrest over letter to Trump containing poison ricin

President Trump returning to the White House from Minnesota on Sept. 18. Photo: Win McNamee/Getty Images

A suspect was arrested for allegedly "sending a suspicious letter" after law enforcement agents intercepted an envelope addressed to President Trump containing the poison ricin, the FBI confirmed in an emailed statement to Axios Sunday.

Details: The suspect, a woman, was arrested while trying to enter New York from Canada, law enforcement forces said.