How to fight more artfully
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Most of us aren't taught how to fight well. We tend to bounce between avoiding conflict and "burning the house down," author and conflict-resolution facilitator Priya Parker tells Axios.
Why it matters: Avoiding every disagreement can create what Parker calls "unhealthy peace" in a group, where the real conversations never happen and people are afraid they'll be punished for saying what they think.
- Parker's new book — "The Art of Fighting," out today — is meant to help leaders, lovers, friends and family think more artfully about how they spar.
- Her last bestselling book, "The Art of Gathering," was all about bringing people together. She believes her latest guide is in service of the same goal.
Conflict isn't necessarily a sign that a relationship or group is failing. Done well, she says, fighting can help people figure out "who we are" and even build trust.
I asked Parker for advice on fighting better in a few familiar relationships:
- Marriage: "Sit side by side" when you fight, instead of facing each other.
- Close friends: Start with "I love you" and "I value our friendship." Parker says that signals the conflict is an investment in the relationship, not an exit.
- Family group chat: "Let's take this offline."
- Co-workers/peers: Start with "I love working with you, and I want to work with you for a long time."
- Boss-employee: "Practice letting the arrow pierce" — really listen, even if you feel defensive.
Zoom in: Before confronting someone, Parker recommends asking yourself whether you can "continue to engage meaningfully in this relationship without saying something."
- Also: "Will I regret not trying?"
Yes, but: Sometimes "strategic conflict avoidance" can preserve a relationship — by changing what you talk about or even how you spend time together.
Between the lines: Once in a while the healthiest move isn't to repair a group — it's to end it.
- Parker said a group may be ready for a "funeral" when it has completed what it set out to do, has "lost its mojo" and there's "no longer a there there."
