Avoiding conflict is killing your relationships
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Avoiding tough conversations could keep the peace in the short term but erode long-term relationships, licensed psychotherapist Colette Jane Fehr says.
Why it matters: Conflict avoidance thrives in a fast-paced digital world, where it's easy to push off a text, ghost someone or outsource writing to AI.
- "We're outsourcing what we think and feel to technology and then sharing it through yet another screen," says Fehr, author of the new book "The Cost of Quiet." "This removes the opportunity for repair in real time."
What they're saying: "Being with another person, seeing their face, hearing their voice and feeling understood in real time is how we feel safe and grounded," Fehr tells Axios.
- "If we don't intentionally relearn how to stay connected, especially when things feel uncomfortable, disconnection becomes the norm rather than the exception. And that's one thing technology can't fix."
Conflict can be constructive and can lead to deeper conversations. Here's how Fehr says the best relationships do it:
- Address issues, even small ones, instead of letting them simmer.
- Share feelings first rather than jumping into problem-solving.
- Repair by owning your part, clearing up misunderstandings and apologizing when needed. Reconnecting is more important than agreeing for emotional safety.
Here's what this could look like, according to a few examples Fehr shared with Axios:
- At work, it's naming the tension after a meeting by sharing how something landed for you and then clarifying expectations going forward.
- With friends, it means acknowledging hurt feelings instead of pulling away.
- In families, it's addressing a long-standing pattern, sharing how it affects you emotionally and then setting boundaries clearly and kindly.
The bottom line: Conflict, handled well, is a powerful connector.
