Jim VandeHei: The "Tell Them" theory
Add Axios as your preferred source to
see more of our stories on Google.
Illustration: Sarah Grillo/Axios
After I wrote last week about Mel Robbins' "Let Them Theory," Mike Allen and I had a series of interactions that reminded us of a helpful twist:
- Call it the "Tell Them Theory."
Why it matters: We agree 100% with Mel Robbins that you shouldn't worry about other people's defects and grievances. The way I always put it when giving career advice to up-and-comers: "You control you."
- But we don't do our friends, colleagues and loved ones a favor by coddling their smallest impulses, or enabling repeated behavior that's dumb or annoying, or letting silence foment mystery (and misunderstanding). Often, you can cut this off by a simple gesture: Tell them!
The backstory: Mike was explaining a better way for a colleague to handle a specific situation. My instant retort: "Tell him!" Around the same time, I was thinking about how fantastically one of our Axios revenue team members was doing. Our chief revenue officer, Jacquelyn Cameron, offered the same nudge: Tell them!
- It's funny and strange (and dangerous) how often we leave important things unsaid that might keep bad situations from worsening — or good ones from getting even better.
Bluntness has always been my instinct. But running two companies, first Politico and now Axios, and raising three great kids, I came to realize that you need to say things, good and bad, clearly and often to shape outcomes
- You do no favors by holding back what you really think, or shielding them from reality.
- It's impossible to see ourselves as others see us. So if we're truly invested in someone's success, Tell Them.
Watch those pebbles: We have an expression around Axios, which bubbled up when we were a baby company, eight years ago, in a shared workspace in Arlington, Virginia. Mischievous young News Deskers had a riff taunting my nasally Wisconsin accent, including the phrase "pebble in your shoe." I think I stole the phrase from Politico co-founder John Harris.
- The "pebble in your shoe" is that thing you're pissed about that you can't let go of. Often the other person has forgotten why you're pissed — or never knew. But that pebble often goes from harmless irritation to painful wound if unremoved. This is the root of most workplace and relationship issues.
- The way I put it in "Just the Good Stuff," my book on life lessons: "Assume positive intent." It's different if the person has hurt your character or family. But most of the time, whatever you're stewing about isn't that big a deal in the scheme of things, anyway. And often they didn't intend it the way you thought.
A few practical rules:
- If someone says or does something bothersome, tell them. Do it calmly and clearly — but go in assuming positive intent. Let them validate that they're awful before assuming so.
- If you're unclear what someone said or wants, tell them. Lots of people are foggy communicators. So give them a chance to explain with more precision, so confusion doesn't lead to something worse.
- If you want something that you feel someone is denying you, tell them. It's not fair to be pissed about promotions missed or needs unfilled if it's hidden from the person who you expect to make it happen.
- If you feel something good about someone, tell them. We've yet to meet the person who doesn't relish compliments. You can literally make someone's day, and avert future issues, if you share sincere praise with abandon.
Tell Jim! Let him know what you think: [email protected].
