Charlotte singles, these 17 basic af dating app phrases are officially cancelled

Everything feels a lot more constructed and choreographed than it was last time I used them. I’ve noticed I tend to come across the same repetitive phrases over and over again. It’s so dry.

I reached out to some other serial daters to see if they had the same issue, and together we concluded that it’s time to mothball these 17 basic af dating app phrases.

“We’ll get along if my dog likes you”

Based on how much time Baxter spends licking his own butt, I can promise you your dog is not some discerning tastemaker.

Any mention of your Harry Potter house

Harry Potter came out in 1997, folks. Can we find something new to define ourselves, please?

When I see you call yourself a Ravenclaw, I don’t think you’re bookish, and when I see you call yourself a Hufflepuff, I don’t think you’re sensitive. I just think “Wow, they’re really still quoting a Buzzfeed quiz from when they were 16.”

I’m begging Charlotte singles to read a new book.

“Swipe left if you voted for Trump”

Politics are an important part of dating. I completely understand that you don’t want to date anyone who had a hand in putting 45 in the White House. But performing that on your dating app is such a weird flex. Bringing the Blue Wave into your bedroom doesn’t get us any closer to healthcare reform or gun control.

“I’m looking for the Jim to my Pam”

Jim Halpert from The Office is a bully, a creep who hit on a woman who was engaged, and continued to hit on her despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. Which part of that is the part you want?

Listing your height

Why are people on dating apps obsessed with height? Being tall is not a personality trait. One single woman I know told me short men are typically insecure, while a single male friend told me tall women are domineering.

Newsflash: tall people can be insecure and short people can be domineering. We’re out here picking people based on height like we’re NBA coaches or something.

“Live. Laugh. Love.”

Lame. Lame. Lame. I’m not trying to match with someone who has the same life mantra as my grandmother’s embroidered hoop art.

Any use of the word “vibe”

“Positive vibes only.” “I’m looking for someone to vibe with.” “Let’s hang and see where our vibes take us.” Um, what exactly are you looking for again? I can’t tell for the life of me. It would be easier for me to know if our “vibes” matched if you actually told me anything about you or what you want.

Shirtless mirror selfies

I know this isn’t a phrase, but dudes, shirtless mirror selfies are cancelled. I know too well the pressure to snap that Planet Fitness locker room post-workout pic while the results of your 30 crunches are at their most apparent, but it makes you look like you think women are just as shallow as you are.

“At the party, you can always find me with the dog”

Dog aren’t even good kissers.

“Let’s go on an adventure”

What are we? Pirates? You want to hit the seven seas in search for treasure? I really want to ask Charlotte singles exactly what they mean when they ask for an adventure, because none of the adventurous things I can think of are appropriate for a first date. A day trip to hike a mountain or explore a small town is an adventure, but you don’t even know me yet, Kelsey. Can we just get a beer first?

“Here for a good time, not a long time”

What a chill way to say you don’t plan on having a conversation for more than ten minutes before you expect some action.

“Not on here much. Message me on Instagram/Snapchat.”

Good ways to get more social media followers: writing funny captions, using strategic hashtags, taking slow-panned videos of your dessert.

Bad ways to get more social media followers: trying to trick people into thinking you might date them if they follow you.

Photos of you with a dead animal

Again, not a phrase, but considering that we no longer live in caveman days, your ability to kill an animal is not that impressive. I would think your desire to shoot a living thing for fun probably isn’t what you want to lead with when trying to attract a woman.

“Let’s be friends first”

This is called a dating app, not a friends app. Plus, you don’t really want to start out as friends. That would mean I’d just send you memes eight times a day and come over once a week to drink your beer and watch YouTube videos with you. On second thought, that sounds low key lit. If you’re into it, hmu.

“I won’t respond to just hey”

Hey is literally how you say hello to people. It’s how conversations start. Please replicate this model in real life. “I won’t respond to just hello. Come up with a creative way to start our interview or I don’t even want this job.”

“I’m not the hookup kind of person”

Might as well say “I don’t want you to think I’m here for a hookup, but I also don’t want you to think I’m not here for a hookup.”

Plausible deniability is so hot, isn’t it?

“On Friday nights I like going out with friends, or having a night at home”

Duh. Of course you’re either going out or staying in. Those are the only two options in the cosmos.