Confessions of a Charlotte elementary school secretary

Elementary school was not an easy time for me. Being the chunky new girl, I had more positive interactions with my teachers and the administrators than other kids. And the school secretaries? They were some of the nicest. I spoke with one Charlotte elementary school secretary about crazy parents, do-not-call lists and kids drinking coffee.

Here are her confessions:

What’s the best part about your job? The worst? 

The best part is that I get to help parents and students. Also, if you’re respectful and patient, I will go out of my way to help you. Parents don’t realize how much front office secretaries actually do. We’re not there just to just call your child up for early dismissal, we have actual work with deadlines. Also, I get to interact with some of the cutest kids!

The worst? I know the truth about students. I know when they come from broken homes and their parents are awful people. I know why DSS wants to see a student. I know the horrible truths about these families and the things they go through and how they hurt each other.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at work?

We had a student who got sick, very sick. The student was in the nurse’s office throwing up. Our nurse was out that day, so I went in to check on them and oh my! The student was trying to vomit and go #2 and kept switching back and forth and left the bathroom door open. It was the grossest day of my life.

What’s the funniest thing a kid has said to you?

A coworker bought me some Starbucks and a sassy 1st grader saw it and said: “I loveeee Starbucks!” I said, “You should not be drinking Starbucks!” She replied, “Guuuuuurrrl I need my Starbucks!” I looked at her, trying not to laugh and said, “Go back to class please.” Also, one student called the nurse “teacher-doctor.” How cute!

Have you ever received any weird phone calls to the school?

Yes! What the actual hell is wrong with parents these days? I received a phone call from a mom asking if we were having a celebration for gay people on Friday. I said, “Uh… no.” The parent replied, “Does your school support gay people?” I said, “Our school district, as a whole, supports everyone, no matter their sexual orientation. We do not discriminate.” She got erratic and started screaming and said, “Well, I don’t support that! Don’t expect my kids to be there on Friday!” and hung up. Dude. What?

Also, our school sends out pre-recorded messages announcing important information and a lady who doesn’t have students at our school was so sick of getting calls that she left a message on our school voicemail saying, “Stop f-ing calling me!” I made sure to wait a few weeks before deleting her number off our call list.

Any good crazy parent stories?

I was walking inside and I see a parent trying to force feed her daughter McDonald’s breakfast in the carpool lane and she yells out to me “Miss! Miss! Can she bring her coffee inside with her?” I replied, “No, your 7-year-old daughter cannot bring in her coffee inside with her.” What the hell?

Any other confessions?

I lie all the time. I play dumb a lot. I do know who you are and I do know who your child is and I do know what you’re here for. I can see you walking up the sidewalk and I recognize you, but I have to ask you every time.

Also, I look you up on social media and find your pictures at the club holding drinks and looking drunk AF. I also find the typical “I love Jesus” moms on social media and in real life they are incredibly rude and impatient.