Top 9 places in Charlotte to get dumped

Breaking up in a small city is never easy. I would know. The only people who’ve dumped and been dumped in more parts of Charlotte than me are probably dump truck drivers. In the spirit of finding the silver lining in everything, here are the 9 best places to have your heart torn into tiny little pieces.

Pisces Sushi Bar

• There’s greenspace nearby so when she says “let’s go for a walk,” you won’t see it coming.
• It has an excellent view of the city to look toward wistfully while you wonder how you’re ever going to live without her.
• Trader Joe’s and Target are right next door for easy access to Hop Drop n’ Rolls, queso and other comfort foods.
• The sushi is fantastic, which doesn’t hurt.

In the middle of the EpiCentre at 1:00 a.m.

• Your drama will have a huge audience, perfect for you Leos out there.
• Your shouting will be drowned out by the sound of millennial mumble rap coming from Suite.
• You can walk straight to Insomnia Cookies and squash that sinking feeling in your stomach with six Triple Chocolate Chunk Deluxe Cookies.

[Related – What’s everyone’s problem with the EpiCentre? 20 reasons it’s actually awesome.]

IHOP – Promenade

• It’s a sleeper in the South Charlotte shopping center game, so not many people will see you cry.
• Seeing the parking lot full of minivans and mom cars will make you feel better about that whole “what if I never get married?” feeling that’s starting to creep up on you.
• Getting dumped in a national chain is way better than getting dumped in a local spot, because even if this IHOP is now forever ruined for you, there are like seven others you can go to.
• You can say “I didn’t know IHOB stood for International House of Breakups!” and instantly make them realize the level of comedic genius they’re leaving behind.

Legion Brewing patio

• Getting dumped in the gravel at a picnic table will remind you of that time in second grade when your childhood crush told you you had cooties. #ThrowbackThursday
• Being shoulder to shoulder with the group next to you increases your odds of someone saying “Aw, come on, give him another chance.”
• Out of all the breweries I’ve been dumped in, this was by far the closest to my apartment, so that’s something.

Common Market – South End

• This soon-to-be-resurrected relic had a back patio adorned with graffitied exposed brick and hanging lights. It made all the breakups there look like a Woody Allen movie.
• The new one will probably be overrun with banker bros in blue collared shirts and khakis, so cry dramatically or something, because it’s kind of fun to ruin their night.

[Related – Charlotte men, drop the blue shirts and khaki pants. It’s not 1995 anymore.]

Mellow Mushroom – Myers Park

• Grab a booth in the trippy bus built into the dining room. I bet it’s been years since the last time you were dumped on a school bus.

• Mellow Mushroom has the best pizza in Charlotte. No one will admit it, but it’s true, and everyone else is wrong. What do you mean I’m argumentative and can’t compromise?
• There’s plenty of divorcees across the street at Selwyn Pub. Go join your new brethren.

Blue Blaze Brewing’s patio

• The unstoppable march of gentrification into west Charlotte is a pretty apt metaphor for how this heartbreaker just stomped into your life and ruined everything cool about it.
• They have yoga on Sundays and Wednesdays, so you can focus on building a better you during this season of singleness.

Zada Jane’s

• Brunch is an optimal time of the day to get dumped, because it’s not so early that it ruins your entire day, but it’s early enough for you to plan a rager-turned-shame-spiral with your friends.
• Walk to Buffalo Exchange or Social Status for some retail therapy.
• Whoever brought you there is probably a hipster, so congrats on not having to date a hipster anymore.
• These are the best biscuits in town, and nothing heals a broken heart quite like carbs.

In bed on a Saturday morning

• It’s quiet enough that you can hear your own heart beating every time there’s a pause in conversation. You’ll both whisper anyway.
• Didn’t you once say you wanted to stop getting on your phone first thing in the morning and instead have conversations in bed with her? Congrats! You’re certainly having a conversation.
• You get to immediately fall back asleep and hope it was all a dream.