What’s it like to date in Charlotte with an STD? Not as big of a deal as you’d think

Specifically, she has HSV-1, a virus shared by 67% of the population. A second type of the herpes virus that primarily causes genital herpes is rarer but still present in about 11% of people. Among unmarried adults, this percentage can approach 75 percent.

Lindsey, whose name has been changed, contracted the virus in her 20s, when her committed boyfriend didn’t realize he had a cold sore.

When things began to feel off-kilter, she did a quick mirror check and had her fear confirmed by her doctor: She’d contracted an STD and was having a breakout.

Immediately, she says she adopted a victim mentality. She feared her boyfriend would be angry or think that she gave it to him. Just as quickly, it started to become clear that he wasn’t who she would spend the rest of her life with, and they broke up soon after.

All of a sudden, Lindsey was going to have to start dating again – only this time, it would be with an STD.

“I was absolutely terrified for about two days,” she said. She worried that she would be outed publicly or carry a stigma of  “damaged goods.”

“Then I realized it was stupid to worry, because so many people have what I have,” she said.

Lindsey turned to therapy to get through the initial struggle, and what she found wasn’t what she expected.

“My therapist told me to take it in stride because nobody would care, and so far, that’s been the case most of the time. I’ve had really good luck.”

So what is dating with an STD like in Charlotte? Exactly like it was for her before she contracted HSV.

In her words, the only change to her dating life is that she has one extra pill to take in the morning and one extra conversation to have with potential partners.

Though she’s now in a committed relationship, one-night stands were still on the table when she was dating.

“As long as you tell them up front, it’s fine. I’ve found that there are plenty of people that don’t care,” she said. “It actually makes the conversation about protection easier because I never have to worry about whether or not he wants to use condoms — because I have to.”

And yes, she has used dating apps like Bumble, but has stayed away from apps designed specifically for those with an STD, citing the fact that she’s not comfortable with going public about it.

The third date is the charm.

When it comes to potential long-term partners, it’s a conversation that isn’t fun, but necessary. She times it carefully and tends to wait until the third date to mention it.

“It’s like pulling off a band-aid,” she explained. “You have to disclose before the close. Tell them before clothes come off and never tell them in the heat of the moment because that’s unfair. You’re in the heat of the moment and hormones are pumping. That’s not a good time.”

By the second or third date, though, she has a better grip on the situation and often has a better feeling as to whether or not the relationship is something she’d like to pursue.

She said she follows a sort of script that’s heavy on explaining what exactly HSV-1 is. She tells them if they’ve ever had a cold sore, they have what she has and that she’s only broken out once. She stresses that she’s not asking for a commitment or a decision in that moment and that if they have questions, to ask her directly instead of turning to the internet.

The hardest part is finding the courage to both show her cards that early and have it become clear that she’s assuming they want to see her again.

“It sort of turns into a, ‘Now you can go home, and if you want to call me tomorrow, you can call me tomorrow. If not, no harm no foul,'” she said. “But it does always feel sort of shitty when they don’t call.”

She’s seen the full gamut of reactions, but says that overall, it’s been painless. I’d be shocked at how many people don’t care, she emphasized.

To her, it’s a blessing in disguise that weeds out potential partners and helps her understand what kind of a person they are early on.

That’s not to say it’s all smooth sailing.

She’s had some men feel like they’re being rushed into a commitment, causing an abrupt departure, and others who reassure her — and then use foreplay as a means of inspection.

Now, STDs are Lindsey’s “soapbox issue.”

Lindsey works in the public health sphere and says that everyone has their soapbox issue — lack of protection and astonishing STD numbers in Charlotte are hers, and the lack of testing is even more shocking.

“Somehow or another, we’re going backward. For a while, we were doing okay. We were talking about it,” she vented. “I don’t know if it’s because we’ve gotten further away from the AIDS epidemic, but people were talking about them.”

The idea of a conversation about protection being awkward or uncomfortable is cringeworthy in itself. To her, if someone is old enough to have sex, they’re old enough to talk about it.

When you see her standing on her soapbox, listen to her — she’s waving RAIN’s list of places to get tested for free, once a year, every new partner, in your face.

I’m always doing field research on my fellow twenty-somethings. Want to talk about STDs (or literally anything else) with me? Say hi.