The top 5 outfits from Cam Newton’s GQ photo shoot

This issue also happens to be the Fall Fashion issue of GQ and Cam has a very tasteful spread of him in a variety of extremely stylish outfits and hoo boy are they something. The outfits range from uncomfortable-looking to wildly impractical and everything in between. They do not disappoint. There are ten or so outfits and they’re all so great, but I chose the below five as my favorites:

(5) Snoopy tank top, MC Hammer pants, $1,200 shoes

Despite the variety of bright colors, this is one of the more practical outfits from the photo shoot, but what exactly is Cam doing? The door of the car on the side he’s on is closed, so he’s not exiting the vehicle. Maybe he jumped over the car? From an athletic perspective, I absolutely wouldn’t put it past Cam to jump over a car wearing that outfit. I’m curious about his expression though. He looks like he’s squinting at the bottom line of text during the eye test at the Optometrist. I’ll bet it spells GUCCI. They put G’s and C’s on there to trick you. By the way, that tank top costs $530. Has to be the most expensive mesh tank top on the planet, yes? That’s an impressive margin. Props to Gucci for cracking that nut.

(4) Plaid coat over Superman shirt and painted-on jeans

https://twitter.com/HardysCloset/status/765237785850703872

This looks like an ensemble that would be worn by a Manhattan socialite on laundry day in November. It’s chilly and her only clean shirt is an ex-boyfriend’s Superman shirt that she kept because Randy always smelled like “Anarchy” scented Axe deodorant. Those jeans are so tight if they got wet you’d have to get them off with the jaws of life. If Cam was forced to play a half of football wearing those jeans he’d either a) hulk out of them immediately and wind up playing the rest of the half in jorts or b) be rendered so immobile he’d barely be able to crouch and take a snap. The jeans are extremely tight-fitting, is what I’m getting at.

Also, why is the football camouflage? Wouldn’t you want your football to stand out so you can see it in the grass? Seems like you’d lose all kinds of camouflage footballs in the grass. Poor football design, IMHO.

(3) Pinstripe suit over a CAMVP sweatshirt and assorted bracelets

https://www.instagram.com/p/BJI8NRLgvWg/

This one is my favorite from a metaphorical perspective since it shows Cam wearing a hoodie (callback to the post-Super Bowl interview tantrum), but it’s underneath a pinstripe suit (indicating his meticulously cultivated media image and long-term business interests), highlighted with a rainbow of bracelets indicating the unique flair of his personality. In a single outfit they manage to capture the complexities of a man who desires to stay true to himself while also adopting the trappings of wealth, status, and decorum that American society expects of its role models.

Also for some reason I feel like this outfit makes him look exactly like Little Penny Hardaway.

(2) Panthers hat, striped sweater, leather jacket

I like how conspicuously practical this outfit is relative to all the others. It’s actually believable that a human person would wear this combination of clothes, although there’s something going on with the front of those pants that I can’t say I’ve ever seen before. Perhaps it’s the future of pants technology and the rest of us will all have an extra front strap on our pants three years from now. Also, that sweater looks super tight on Cam but he’s so big it definitely would go down past the knees of a normal-sized human.

Also, let’s talk about Cam’s smile for a minute. Is there a better smile in the NFL? In all of sports? In the *history* of sports? His smile alone should get him into the NFL Hall of Fame. He should be the face of Crest toothpaste for the next 30 years.

(1) Louis Vuitton bag with giant fox tail and half-zipped sweatshirt

This is just a sublime outfit. It’s wearable art, really. He’s wearing a track shirt half-unzipped with a full coat on top of that and a bag with a giant fox tail on it. At least I think it’s a fox tail. I don’t even know what animal has a tail like that. I guess you need an oversized fox tail for such a big bag. What are you carrying in there Cam? You could fit slimmed-down Jordan Gross in the bag and still have room for seven more pairs of skintight Under Armour pants. Can you imagine wearing this outfit to Spartanburg, SC in mid-August for the first day of training camp? I would sweat through the track jacket within three minutes and totally ruin the coat.

I really do like all of these outfits, and it’s a great thing for Charlotte that we have an icon associated with our city who can pull off such a fashion-forward photoshoot. I think we can all agree that Kerry Collins and Chris Weinke were never on the short list for the cover of the GQ Fall Fashion Issue. So congrats Cam for looking so great in everything you wear. I’m sure your teammates won’t throw any good-natured ribbing your way this season in the locker room whatsoever. Also, if the Panthers somehow start out 0-2, brace yourselves for the scorching hot “Cam needs to put his nose in a playbook instead of fashion magazines” takes on sports talk radio. Welcome back football!