Thai massage: Super weird, yet super beneficial

The truth is, I never saw the point in being flexible. I’ve played sports all my life and have probably stretched a total of 10 minutes. That is, up until now.

You see, when my masseuse (Meg Moody from Escape Massage) told me that it seemed like my muscles were made out of old Play-Doh, I started to get concerned. I had just finished rehabbing from a torn calf muscle and was not in the mood to tear anything else. So instead of ignoring her and keeping on not stretching like I’ve been doing for 29 years, I decided to do something about it. That’s why I’ve been going to yoga every day and stopped eating processed foods and can now do a toe stand.

Just kidding. I didn’t do any of that.

But what I did do was make an appointment for Lazy Man’s Yoga, more commonly referred to as Thai massage. Thai massage is basically assisted stretching, where your masseuse manipulates your muscles for you. Before my session, Meg warned me that it would be “different.” For example, unlike regular massage, Thai massage takes place on the floor.

Also, unlike regular massage, you keep your clothes on.

To get a better idea of what I was in for, I asked Meg a bunch of questions which probably made her regret her decision to give me a Thai massage. Here’s our conversation:

What are the benefits of Thai massage?

Meg: It increases blood flow, range of motion, athletic performance and flexibility. Thai massage also reduces insomnia, stress levels and recovery time after an injury.

Who would benefit most from Thai massage?

Meg: Thai massage is great for all body types. Athletes benefit the most due to the stress they put their muscles through. Anyone who feels that they just can’t seem to get that extra level of stretching that they would like or people who want to increase their flexibility would also benefit. People with Parkinson’s disease also benefit greatly due to the increased blood flow to problem areas.

You told me that Thai massage is your favorite to do. Why?

Meg: Because while I’m stretching the patient I am also getting a good yoga practice out of it. During the session my body is in variations of down dog, plank, half camel, lion, pigeon, spinal twists and many other poses.

I heard you shouldn’t eat a big meal before Thai massage. Anything else people should know to prepare?

Meg: If you are currently sick you should avoid massage until you are feeling 100% healthy. Also avoid consuming caffeine prior to the massage as it helps your body relax during the session. As for clothing, you should wear comfortable workout clothing.

After Thai massage you will be craving water and healthy food. I always suggest that you avoid alcohol after massage as well as exercise. (Your body is extra limber after Thai massage so it’s possible you could push yourself too hard.) You will probably be sore (like after a good yoga practice or workout) for a day or two.

After learning that Meg was going to be stretching my rigid body for an hour, I had one major fear: Farting on her. That’s why I asked one final question:

Do people ever fart during Thai massage? I’m very nervous I’m going to fart on you.

Meg: People fart during all types of massage. With Thai massage, you have an increased chance of farting because your stomach is relaxing and your body is being put into different poses that help release any gas bubbles from your stomach.

I don’t know how, but I didn’t end up farting on Meg.

At the beginning of our session, Meg had me lie down on a mat, close my eyes and relax. She then got right into it using her feet, arms and own body weight to stretch the heck out of me. At one point she was doing a backbend over me and it felt so good I didn’t even care that a grown woman was using me as a yoga mat.

She worked her way from my arms to my legs and then had me turn over. At one point she was stretching my right leg and I swear it felt like it was longer than my left. Luckily she did my left leg right after so I didn’t leave with a limp.

Meg said a lot of people fall asleep during Thai massage. I wasn’t even close. Maybe it’s because I can’t sleep when someone is using their foot to stretch my neck. Or maybe it’s because I couldn’t stop asking Meg questions about the goat she bought to eat poison ivy in her back yard. (True story.)

After our session, Meg had me get up slowly from the mat and drink a bottle of water. At this point my muscles felt like brand new Play-Doh. I went home, drank two more bottles of water and immediately fell asleep. The best part? On my run the next day I felt like someone whose body is actually built for running. Added bonus: I haven’t torn any muscles since.

So even though Thai massage is sufficiently weird, I will be doing it again. Because why should I do yoga when Meg can do it for me?