Dec 2, 2015 - Food and Drink

20 things everybody wants to say about the EpiCentre but won’t



I’ll stand by my decision about Montford being the coolest place in Charlotte until the day I leave the city. Long after that, actually. I’ll come back to visit it in the years to come.

I will never make a point to visit the EpiCentre. Now or later. And I don’t think that’s unusual.

Maybe I’m boring, but maybe I’m on to something. I’ve met more people who avoid it than people who flock to it. And when they do flock to it, they usually say a lot of the same things, just not out loud:

“What is the EpiCentre? A strip mall? A tourist trap? Six stories of clubs plus a movie theater? I have no idea how to explain this to my out-of-town friends.”

Epicentre Charlotte

“Can I actually afford to get into the bars at the EpiCentre?”


“And if I can, will I have enough left over to buy a drink?”


@epicentrenc via Instagram

“I think Alive After Five is under-the-radar-awkward.”

“A hotel on top? Really?”


“Why book a hotel if you won’t be able to sleep?”

“They should’ve made plans for an apartment building instead.”

“Is this many people in this small of a space legal?”

Whiskey River airport

@epicentrenc via Instagram

“Has anybody ever fallen down these stairs?”

“I’m really nervous going down these stairs.”

“How many times am I going to have to wander around the parking garage before I find my car?”

“Some of Whisky River’s, um, ‘activities’ sketch me out. Yoga is NOT about wearing sexy yoga pants.”


“All it’s missing is an overpriced clothing store. The kind where, like, one of each item hangs on the rack at a time.”

“Or a brewery.”

“I’m way too ugly post-workout to consider working out at Gold’s Gym. Talk about a walk of shame.”

“Is this type of place the place that tourists think we spend our free time?”

“This place seemed a lot cooler before I could legally do most of what’s here.”

“Can you speak a little louder? I can’t hear you over the dull roar.”

“Never mind – can you just yell?”

@epicentrenc via Instagram

But there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel: “I can eat — and drink — at the movie theater.”

(There goes every invitation out I could have ever gotten. You’ll be missed.)


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