Where to eat brunch in Charlotte according to your current emotional state

I am horrendously hungover, I lost my car keys (and possibly my car) and I’m not totally sure what day it is.

Congratulations! You have earned the greasy meal of your drunken dreams at Midnight Diner. Review your regrettable texts and blackmail-worthy photos over fresh Idaho shredded hash browns. Go “all the way” with cheese, onion and ham if you can stomach anything other than fried carbs right now or stick to fat, buttery biscuits for soaking up the lingering spirits in your mangled body. Bonus: It’s on the light rail so wherever your car is (high five on finding a sober ride), you don’t even need it anymore. All you need right now is this life-giving meal. Midnight Diner: 115 E. Carson Street; 0pen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

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My significant other’s parents are in town. I’m nervous and I need to impress them.

Vivace. It’s sophisticated, quiet enough for conversation and conveniently located on the greenway should you need to run away in embarrassment if things don’t go well. The Vivace Way includes two courses and access to the bottomless mimosa and Bloody Mary bar for $25. Pace yourself. Vivace: 1100 Metropolitan Avenue; Sunday brunch 11 a.m. – 3 p.m. (but note the bar doesn’t open until noon)

I’m vegetarian/vegan and I’m outraged by the assumption that I do not like to eat large quantities of food.

Hello, we are one. Head over to Fern and get friendly with some “chicken” and waffles. It’s a spelt and sweet potato waffle topped with spicy chicken-fried tofu and maple syrup. They’ve also got gluten-free biscuits and vegan gravy, banana French toast and a chickpea quinoa benedict with the option to get vegan hollandaise and marinated tofu instead of eggs. Fern: 1419 East Boulevard; Saturday and Sunday brunch 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.

I’m feeling “treat yo’ self“-worthy but I want to eat as much as possible for as little money as possible.

Welcome to Pike’s Soda Shop‘s Sunday brunch. For $13.95 you get access to endless piles of biscuits, baked goods, assorted salads, French toast, eggs, casseroles, cakes, pies and more. Pike’s Soda Shop: 1930 Camden Road; Sunday brunch 8 a.m. – 2 p.m.

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My whole extended adult family is in town so I need a 10-top, highchairs and servers who won’t hate this rowdy clown show.

Famous Toastery (formerly Toast Cafe), no question. The family-friendly breakfast spot handles high-volume rushes and big parties like it’s nothing. The entire staff waits on every table so you don’t have one dedicated server per table. This means no one has to carry the weight of your nephew throwing jelly on the floor alone. You also pay at the register on the way out, which makes it easy to split things up if your big brother is not picking up the check for you. (What’s up, Ben.) Famous Toastery: 2400 Park Road and 8430 Rea Road; open daily 7 a.m. – 3 p.m.

I’ve had enough humans this week so I’d like to sit by myself without actually being alone, eat some sort of breakfast food any time of the day and read a book.

Amelie’s. They’re open 24/7/365 and serve their breakfast menu all the time. And it’s not all about desserts here at the home of Charlotte’s favorite salted caramel brownie. Have a quiche, build your own breakfast sandwich or try pain perdu, savory French toast. Amelie’s French Bakery: 2424 N. Davidson Street; open 24/7/365

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I want a chicken biscuit but I also want to not go to Chik-fil-A.

Good for you. littlespoon has this one under control. In addition to what I’m told are some pretty killer chicken biscuits, they’ve also got porridge, hash, grits, cinnamon toast brulee and more. littlespoon eatery: 2820 Selwyn Avenue; open Tues-Sun 8 a.m. – 5 p.m.

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I’m eating my emotions this weekend so I’d like a dessert I can call a meal.

Come, fragile one, and let’s hang out at Crispy Crepe. You could get the chocolate peanut butter waffle topped with peanut butter cups because it’s brunch so that’s an appropriate garnish. Or go with the more traditional Nutella crepe with bananas or strawberries. But if you’re serious about eating dessert for breakfast you need to bypass the fruit and get the maple crunch cheesecake crepe drizzled with chocolate and caramel. Whatever you order, wash it down with a cookie butter latte. Crispy Crepe: 1426 South Boulevard; open Tues-Thurs 9-4, Fri 8-4 and Sat-Sun 8-5

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I met someone I like and need to send a firm but non-psychotic “I want to date you” message via brunch invite.

Terrace Cafe. Nice enough that it signals serious interest but approachable enough that you don’t have to think about which utensil to use when. They’re famous for their red velvet waffles but you could also go savory with a breakfast sandwich or the shrimp and grits. Terrace Cafe: 4625 Piedmont Row Drive and 14815 Ballantyne Village Way; breakfast served all day (see hours for both locations here)

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I’m feeling adventurous and thus refuse to eat traditional pancake and waffle brunch food.

It’s your lucky day. RuRu’s Tacos + Tequila just rolled out their new brunch menu last weekend. You’ll find breakfast tacos, breakfast burritos, breakfast quesadillas and not a single breakfast pancake in sight. RuRu’s Tacos + Tequila: 715 Providence Road; brunch Saturday and Sunday 12 p.m. – 3 p.m.

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I didn’t go out last night so now I need to look like I’m cool and social on the Internet today.

Heist is cool. Their $19 Sunday brunch buffet includes an a la carte item of choice, endless waffles (WHAT) and a juice station. The buffet is stocked with specialties like the pizza rail, drunken mussels, caramelized pineapple (soaked in rum and topped with mascarpone) and scratch-made biscuits and gravy. They’ve also got standard fare like bacon, eggs, grits and breakfast potatoes. And if that’s not enough, there’s a carving station, assorted meats and artisan cheeses known as the Garden of Hedon and the “Flake and Bake” tray filled with pastries and croissants. You can also get a champagne flight or a carafe of mimosas. You cannot lose. Heist Brewery: 2909 N. Davidson Street; Sunday brunch 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.

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I drank too much last night so I decided I’m on a cleanse now.

Well, you don’t get Sunday brunch now, do you? If you’re going all in and this is a liquid brunch, Luna’s Living Kitchen has you covered with a selection of smoothies and cold-pressed juices. The Volcano juice with orange, lemon, grapefruit, maple syrup and cayenne is my favorite way to blow $10 on a non-alcoholic beverage. If by “cleanse” you mean “not eating the McDonald’s Big Breakfast today,” then literally anything on the breakfast menu is a step up from your regular routine. I like the Buckwheat Blaster with dates, walnuts, apple, coconut, cinnamon and nutmeg. The coconut yogurt parfait is also great. The catch? It’s breakfast not brunch and they serve it every day but Sunday. Luna’s Living Kitchen: 2000 South Boulevard; breakfast served Mon-Sat 8 a.m. – 11 a.m. 

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Need more? See our list of the 5 best brunch buffets in Charlotte.