Charlotte’s 5 best, 5 worst and 5 creepiest Groupons available right now

Anyway, even though I am not (yet) rich and famous, I still manage to get my fair share of massages. And every one of them comes from my beloved Groupon.

But Groupon has way more than just half priced massages. They have discounted concert tickets, restaurant deals and even socks. Since I happen to know my way around an online deal, here are the…

5 Groupons that you should buy right now:

(1) Cupcakes from Kai’s Kookies & More Bakery

What’s better than eating delicious baked goods? Eating delicious baked goods after a night of drinking. Kai’s Kookies makes this dream possible by staying open until MIDNIGHT. Their late hours and delicious cupcakes help me forgive them for spelling ‘cookies’ like a five-year-old girl.

Price: $15/ a dozen cupcakes
Savings: $21
Expires in: Limited time remaining! (Aka it will be around for a while.)

(2) Trampoline jump time at Sky High Sports

Um, this place looks awesome. It’s in Pineville but it would definitely be worth the trip to live-out your childhood fantasy of having the entire earth’s surface be made of trampolines. Let’s all strap on a few sports bras and get ready to bounce.

Price: $15/ 2 hours of jump time
Savings: $11
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(3) Suzy Kuzy American-themed beer mitt

I will literally be best friends with anyone who owns this koozie. You can even choose whether you want it for your right or left hand. Maybe one for each?

Price: $9.99
Savings: $10
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(4) Barenaked Ladies concert AND a digital album download

First of all, it’s a miracle that the “Chickity China” guys are still touring. I’m pretty sure I listened to their CD back when I thought overalls were flattering. But this deal proves that the Barenaked Ladies are indeed still touring (and alive). They’ll be bringing us back to the late 90’s at the Fillmore on July 8.

Price: $22.50
Savings: $18.27
Expires in: 1 day

(5) 10 Classes at Pure Body Fitness Studio

You all know how I feel group exercise classes. But, I can’t deny, this is a crazy good deal. Hot yoga classes are out of a lot of people’s price range, but now you can go for like a dollar a class. Is that right? I don’t have a calculator.

Price: $15/ 10 classes
Savings: $185
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

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As much as I love Groupon, some of their deals are straight up sketchy….

5 Groupons you should watch out for:

(1)  Apple-certified lightning charger kit for iPhone and iPod

I own this charger. Well, I did own this charger. This colorful piece of plastic broke after only four days. You’re better off paying full price at the Apple store.

Price: $14.99
Savings: $25.01
Expires in: 10 days

(2) Pizza for take-out or delivery at Slices

Discount pizza! Best deal ever, right? Wrong. Slices is literally never open. I’ve tried going there for dinner around 6pm—they were closed. I wanted late-night after a particularly successful evening at Ed’s—closed. Walked by at 3pm yesterday. You guessed it—closed. Only buy this Groupon if you’re willing to order pizza during the one hour a week they’re allegedly open.

Price: $11/ two $10 Groupons
Savings: $9
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(3) LASIK Surgery for one or both eyes at Carolinas Eye Center and MedSpa

You only get one set of eyes. If you’re willing to get DISCOUNT SURGERY on the two things that give you the gift of sight, go for it. I, for one, will be sitting this one out.

Price: $999
Savings: $1,501
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(4) Movie ticket at Studio Movie Grill

I’ve bought four of these Groupons in the past and have never used them. This is partly because I don’t feel like dealing with the EpiCentre, but also partly because the fine print is ridiculous. “Not valid for movies after 5pm on Friday, Saturday or Sunday.” So, like, when people go to movies.

Price: $5
Savings: $5.25
Expires in: 4 days

(5) Juice cleanse from Jus by Julie

This looks like a great deal. But what they don’t tell you is that this juice needs to be overnighted and the shipping is a whopping $40. Do yourself a favor and just go to Luna’s.

Price: $33/ day
Savings: $17
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

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Now that you’ve seen the sketchy Groupons, I think you’re ready for the downright disturbing Groupons…

5 creepy Groupons that you should never, ever buy:

(1) 3 Whole Body Cryotherapy sessions from Cryo Fix

Wait, what? All this Groupon says is that these sessions reduce swelling and burn calories. Other than that, all we have to go off of is the picture of a guy standing in a vat of what looks to be kryptonite. After further investigation, I learned that Cryotherapy is when you pay money to freeze your body in a large metal cauldron. Sounds fun!

Price: $69/ 3 sessions
Savings: $71
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(2) Oral aphrodisiac sex mints

Over 1,000 people have bought these mints. I just want you all to take a moment and think about that.

Price: $5.99
Savings: $2.01
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(3) Custom and regular bobbleheads from AllBobbleheads.com

My suggestion is to get a custom bobblehead made for you and the guy you have been dating for just a few weeks. He’ll love it.

Price: $49.99
Savings: $55.01
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(4) Kid-sized selfie booth

You know how old people are always complaining about the younger generations and how they are ruining America? Well, this kid-sized selfie booth is making me see their point.

Price: $25
Savings: Not listed. Probably because the mark-up on this crap booth is 3000%.
Expires in: Limited time remaining!

(5) 24-Karat Gold Brilliance New York Indulgence Face Mask 12-Pack

Apparently these “Saw IIII” inspired masks help repair, rejuvenate and firm skin with gold extract. And, the best part is, you don’t get just one horrifying gold face mask, you get a YEAR’S supply of horrifying gold face masks!

Price: $64.99/ 12 masks
Savings: $3,934.01
Expires in: 3 days