What happens when a vegetable hater attempts the Luna Juice Cleanse

But despite my feelings towards things that grow in the ground, I still wanted to try Luna’s Living Kitchen’s Juice Cleanse. Partly because I need to eat healthier so I don’t die, and partly just to brag about it.

Besides, how hard could it be? Twenty-four hours of only drinking juice? That’s nothing. I’ve gone four days without eating before. (Granted, I had mono.)

This was going to be easy.

But then I read about what to expect during a cleanse. Apparently cleansing may cause “headaches, light hunger, body odor, coated tongue, sweating or cold chills.” It sounded a lot like my symptoms after a late night at RiRas. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so easy after all.

The rules of the cleanse were simple: eat nothing and drink a juice every two hours. Side Note: Luna recommends a three-day cleanse. But at $62 per day, I was only able to afford one day. Eating healthy is important, but so is paying rent.

Here’s how it went:

The first challenge I faced was fitting all my juice in the fridge at work. You can see that organic, cold-pressed juice is not what I usually drink during my workday.

9:30 am
Juice 1
Tree of Life

Kale, spinach, parsley, celery, cucumber, lemon and ginger

Kill me.

Why did Luna have to start me out on the worst juice? At least I can now say that I know what the combination of moss, bark and mildew tastes like.

11:02 am
Juice 2
Pure Vida

Carrot, apple, orange and lemon

The color of the Pure Vida is a little scary but I was pleasantly surprised by the taste. Basically, it was like drinking a funny colored orange juice. Things are looking up.

1:20 pm
Juice 3
Gateway to Green

Kale, granny smith apple, orange, lemon and ginger

This ginger-heavy juice helped me get through lunchtime. A group brought back Noodles & Company and I had to stay away from the kitchen in order to not tackle my pregnant coworker and steal her Penne Rosa. At least I had a small, furry friend to hang out with me.

By the way, at this point I realized that Luna’s “Tips for Success” packet said to drink water between each juice. Up until now, I had consumed zero water. I grabbed the biggest cup I could find and chugged like a freshman girl at a frat party.

3:10 pm
Juice 4
Volcano

Orange, lemon, grapefruit, maple syrup and cayenne

I drank this one during a brainstorming meeting. It was really spicy but also a nice change in flavor from the other juices. I was feeling good.

4:10 pm
Juice 5
Power Cleanse 

Carrot, cucumber, beet and celery

My client, Bojangles’, happened to be ringing the NASDAQ closing bell that day so our account team surprised the office with—you guessed it—Bojangles’. This was officially my worst nightmare. I cracked open the Power Cleanse early and chugged that bad boy in order to not take three Cheddar Bo’s to the face.

6:25 pm
Juice 6
My Daily Salad

Carrot, zucchini, tomato, cucumber, kale, celery, garlic, lemon, basil, cayenne and sea salt

Did I mention that I hate kale? My Daily Salad tasted nothing like the iceberg-heavy salads I’m used to. If I hadn’t been drinking this juice while simultaneously getting my feet and hands massaged at Modern Nails, I don’t think I would have gotten through it.

8:30 pm
Juice 7
Almond Milk

Almonds, filtered water, dates, sea salt and vanilla extract

Remember when I said that I was feeling good? Yeah, that didn’t last. By Juice 7 my head was pounding and I had to turn off my computer to keep myself from Googling pictures of fettuccine alfredo. Luckily, the Almond Milk was delicious (probably because it was vegetable-free). The only thing I could do at that point was go to bed. I fell asleep fantasizing about croissants.

When I woke up Saturday, the torture was over and my 24-hour juice cleanse was a success. But if I were to do it again, here’s what I would do differently:

(1) Save up.

This cleanse isn’t cheap. I should have researched the price ahead of time and not spent all my money day drinking at Selwyn Pub last weekend.

(2) Stock up on Emergen-C.

I know it’s cheating but it was the only way to get through Tree of Life and My Daily Salad without going green all over my desk.

(3) Use a straw.

I don’t know why but it’s easier to chug through a straw. This is especially helpful for the 100% vegetable juices that kind of taste like licking your hands after gardening.

(4) Brush your teeth. A lot. 

The juice left me with an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I can only imagine what it was like for my coworkers when I leaned in close to talk to them.

(5) Reward yourself.

This, I actually did right. Plan a fun activity where food isn’t present. Get your nails done, get a massage or go shopping. (Just avoid the food court. Auntie Anne’s will lure you in like a salty, buttery siren.)

So am I going to step it up and attempt the full, three-day Luna Juice Cleanse? Probably not. Did I reward myself with a pizza the day after my cleanse? You bet I did.

(But look, I got salad too!)