What I learned from online dating in Charlotte

Unfortunately for me, this is not one of those stories.

When I first moved to Charlotte, I was newly single and ready to date a southern boy with a light accent and a dark sense of humor.

I had some luck meeting guys at Jeff’s Bucket Shop, but I was finding that I was getting a little too old for the 2:30 am “You up?” text message game. I wanted something more. Something real. Something like you see on the Match.com commercials.

So I paid the $30 and became an official member of an online dating service. After spending way too much time setting up my profile (what the heck is my body type? Why is there no “somewhat athletic but also enjoys cake” option?) I started getting messages and planning dates.

To give you a better idea of my experience, here are few of the guys that I met (and a few of the lessons I learned) along the way:

The Handsome Guy

My first date with Handsome Guy was great. We met at Ed’s Tavern and played trivia. He was a little awkward but, hey, it was a first date. People get nervous. Besides, he was really good looking.

For our second date we settled on dinner at Cowfish. He asked me if I could pick him up since he lived close to SouthPark. I don’t know why, but I didn’t question this.

When I arrived at his house he invited me inside for a tour. Again, why didn’t I question this?

To say it simply, the tour did not go well. He didn’t just walk me quickly through his house like a normal person would do. Instead, he took over 30 minutes to show me every single room, closet and bathroom in his house. I kid you not, at one point he showed me his pantry. We finally ran out of closets to open and he brought me out to his back deck. All I could see was a fenced-in area with a small woodshed in the corner.

He turned to me. “See that woodshed?”

I started to panic. I was in a stranger’s house. My phone was in my car. He showed me his pantry. This is the exact situation that Lifetime movies warn you about. I stood in horror waiting for him to say “That’s going to be your home from now on.”

But he didn’t.

He said, “I built that.”

So, no. I didn’t get kidnapped. But I was still so rattled from the kidnap-able situation that I couldn’t even feign interest in him. I scarfed down my bento box like I was on Fear Factor, dropped him off and haven’t seen him since.

What I learned: Don’t agree to meet someone just because you like his or her pictures. Read profiles carefully and look for red flags. Remember, cute people can be serial killers too.

The Normal Guy

Ok, I’ll admit, this one I messed up.

I started talking to Normal Guy when he messaged me on a Saturday night. He was my age and liked the Olive Garden. Basically, we were perfect for each other.

The trouble started when my boss gave me two tickets to the Panthers game on Sunday. Don’t get me wrong; I was extremely appreciative. But what my boss didn’t realize is that there was one major issue with giving me the tickets: I had no friends.

So I figured I had two options: Ask the guy from Match.com whom I’d known for a total of 14 hours or call an Uber and invite my driver to the game.

I went with the Match.com guy. I texted him and he didn’t answer right away. After a few minutes and I got anxious and wrote “I promise I’m not catfishing you. But even if I was, at least you would get to be on MTV.”

An hour went by. I got worried that he was weirded out by the catfish comment so I wrote a way too delayed and way too desperate “BTW, I was just kidding about the catfish comment.”

You probably already guessed that we didn’t go to the game together. In fact, I never heard from him again.

What I learned: Don’t jump the gun. Let a few messages go between you and your match before making plans. And try and keep the catfish jokes to a minimum.

The Jerk

The Jerk and I agreed to meet at my favorite bar in Charlotte—Connolly’s.

I got to the bar first and opened a tab. He showed up a few minutes later and we ended up going out on the patio. We had a great time. He kept my vodka tonic full all night and even bought tequila shots. At the end of the night we agreed to hangout again, called our own Ubers and parted ways. Before I left, I realized my tab was still open so I ran back inside to get my card.

As soon as the bartender put down my bill, I realized that this guy hadn’t been buying me drinks. He hadn’t even been buying himself drinks. He had been putting every single drink on my tab. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind buying a drink here or there, but when someone offers to get you a tequila shot, that usually means you’re not going to be the one paying for it. I furiously signed my $80 Connolly’s bill and canceled my Match.com subscription that same night.

What I learned: Don’t drink too much on a first date. You might end up paying for it. Literally.

I’ll be honest; I was pretty bummed when Match.com didn’t work out. I mean, I was paying $30 a month for a boyfriend and couldn’t even get one. But now that I look back on it, I’m glad I signed up. It’s not easy crafting a dating profile. It’s not easy messaging strangers. And it’s certainly not easy eating dinner with someone who you thought was going to kidnap you.

So to all the people in Charlotte who dated online but didn’t find love, I’m still proud of us. At least we had the balls to try it.