The thought process of going to IKEA on a rainy Saturday

Since I move all the time, I have a hard time believing that home furnishings are a long-term investment so I just go for “temporary dorm room chic” until I throw it all into boxes again. Another major problem here is that I am so cheap I can’t bring myself to buy anything when I know that for the low low price of 12 hours of assembly time and my sanity, I can just buy a mass produced version at IKEA.

While I define success as never having to shop at IKEA again, I clearly haven’t “made it” yet because I found myself there on Saturday. Here was my thought process…

I need some white frames to replace these hideous black ones from that dark period when I spray painted everything I own black. REGRETS. Clearly IKEA is the only place to get them. I’ll just go on a rainy Saturday afternoon like that’s not a terrible idea at all.

Oh, what’s this? The entire parking lot is full? Every single spot? Does no one have anything else to do today? Everybody’s probably just eating meatballs because it’s lunchtime. I’ve made it this far. I’ll just park over here in this CATS Park & Ride lot and zip in and out.

Bottleneck at the entrance. WALK PLEASE. Have you never been here? Stop staring at that one display at the front door. There are, like, thousands of them upstairs. Get on the escalator with all the newbs while I make my way to the shortcut with all the pros.

Ok, Katie. You need literally three things: two $6 white frames and that $10 cutting board you like but ruined because you forgot to oil it as instructed. You don’t need a cart. Ok you got a cart. THREE THINGS.

Ooh! I need some napkins with stripes on them. I don’t even use napkins (Viva paper towels or bust) but they’re like $0.99. Basically free. And this placemat is necessary. I should buy a new set of glasses. Grown adults have enough matching glassware to host a party without Solo cups. I’ll get this 6-pack because that’s sounds like a reasonable number of friends to have over at one time.

How many serving bowls do I have? None? How old am I? Getting this giant $3 bowl. Gonna put a trifle in it.

What am I here for?

Oh, I should put some curtains up. I don’t have a drill or anything but… Forget it. Can I remodel a bathroom in a rented apartment because THIS SINK. It looks like something you’d see in a hostel but in a good way. I need it. Google: how to install sink.

Where is my cart?

Ugh, when are they going to get some new rug designs? These have been the same rugs for at least five years. I don’t even need a rug but it would be nice to see some new rugs so I could at least maybe think about it. Maybe I need this doormat though because I can stencil some witty statement on it and people will be like, “CATS ONLY”? Who is this hilarious person that lives here?

FORGOT MY STUPID BLUE BAG IN THE CAR. This is how they make all their money. These $0.59 blue bags. It’s bad enough they won’t assemble the furniture for us. We have to buy our own bags too. Not doing it. I can carry this stuff.

Oh, closet organization section? It’ll be a cold day in hell when I organize a closet when you can clearly just leave your clothes in the dryer until you need them.

Storage bins. I always need storage bins. Do I need this broom that stands up by itself…?

Lamps! Yes. I need like six new lamps. $39 for a desk lamp? Who do you think you are, IKEA? Ooh, floor lamp. Need that. $25, cheap! Oh, it doesn’t come with a lamp shade. Or a bulb. I’ll get those too. I can picture myself reading a book under this lamp. Worth it. How hard is it to install a chandelier? Google: how to install a chandelier.

Where is my cart?

Pictures frames. Ok! Go time. Two white frames, check… aaand I’ll just get these prints with vegetables on them because I love vegetables. I could by 36 square frames and put my favorite Instagram photos in them and put them up as a giant display over the couch and they would look so awesome. How do you print pictures? Too much work. I need a wall clock. Kids these days and their phones with clocks. I need a clock on the wall. Oh wait. I bought this clock a few months ago and haven’t put it up yet…

Fake plants are my jam. I love not killing fake plants. Fake plants and candles. I’ll take one of each. Do I need a palm tree?

Where is my cart?

HOME STRETCH. Onto the warehouse floor. Almost to the register. Look at all these suckers buying furniture they have to assemble. Pros like me are just here for picture frames. In and out… Let me just check out this hammock I might be able to fit on the balcony. Speaking of the balcony… I need a table out there. Ooh, this $15 one will do. Need it.

This checkout line looks manageable but, oh wait, I should check out the clearance room… Why are these glasses only $0.50 each when the 6-pack I got was $6? I don’t need a couch but this one is on sale so… There’s never anything good in here. Can I do something with this discarded cabinet door? No?

Where is my cart?

In line, ok. What is in this cart? Who put all this stuff in here? Lampshade… nope, discarded. Lamp base… nope, discarded. Ooh, umbrella impulse buy. My best find was definitely that table for the balcony. Perfect. No, I do not want your stupid $0.59 blue bag, sir. I will carry it all to the car and put it in my own blue bag.

So glad I got these frames… Good trip.

[drive home]

Can’t wait to put this table on the balcony. Best $15 I’ve ever spent. No assembly required either and… This is a chair. This is a chair? THIS IS A CHAIR. THIS IS NOT THE TABLE. I BOUGHT THE CHAIR. I already have two chairs. I needed the table. I… am going back tomorrow.

But look at my napkins and my giant bowl and all my glassware and my white frames. I’m like a new woman.