Trying to bottle up life and its lessons
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Illustration: Aïda Amer/Axios. Stock: Getty Images
Death has a way of teaching us about living — if only life wouldn't get in the way.
Why it matters: Losing someone can bring sudden clarity to what actually matters. But making that change in perspective stick is hard.
My mother-in-law recently passed away, and almost immediately I wanted to bottle up everything our relationship and her death taught me.
- These lessons — like making time for what matters, saying how you feel while you have the chance and taking more videos — are so obvious that they're easy to ignore until death makes them impossible to.
The big picture: Death brings the fragility of life into sharp focus.
- I suddenly wanted to hug everyone in my family as tightly as possible and somehow make all of us understand, right now, that we need to ensure we're making the most of our time together.
Reality check: Intellectually understanding that life is finite doesn't mean we can permanently feel the urgency of that fact. Yes, there's a temporary bump in togetherness, but then something maddening happens: Life goes on.
- Jobs consume most of our waking hours during the week.
- Trips and other life obligations compete for our time.
- Sometimes we're simply tired and want to watch dumb TV shows.
- The profound realization that life is short somehow has to coexist with needing to unload the dishwasher.
What I'm learning: Maybe I can't bottle up that feeling of urgency forever. But I don't have to preserve it at full strength for the experience to change me.
- I want more videos and audio recordings of the people I love, particularly parents who may come second or third on the camera roll after children and pets. I recently asked my mother to leave me a happy birthday voice message. Now I'll have it forever.
- I want to keep showing up for the big moments while appreciating more of the utterly unremarkable ones: a grocery store trip, a random lunch, a phone conversation about nothing.
Yes, but: I want to be kinder to myself about the moments I will inevitably miss.
- I've caught myself regretting time I didn't spend with loved ones, but I can't possibly be everywhere or do everything. The moments I miss don't diminish the ones I can make time for.
The bottom line: Death reminds us to live to the fullest. Life reminds us we can't always do that.
