Axios Closer

March 12, 2026
Thursday ✅.
Today's newsletter is 774 words, a 3-minute read.
📉 The dashboard: The S&P 500 closed down 1.5%.
🔥 Today's stock spotlight: Bumble (+34.2%), after the dating app topped expectations for Q4 user metrics and revealed plans for an optional AI matchmaker that pairs people based on detailed conversations with an AI assistant.
1 big thing: Oil spikes as Iran vows to keep Hormuz closed
The U.S. and Iran are scrambling to win a strategic battle over the price of oil — with daily consequences for stocks and bonds, and long-term implications for the world economy.
Zoom in: Iran's new supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, vowed in his first public message today to keep the Strait of Hormuz closed.
- The price of oil immediately jumped, with Brent crude, the global benchmark, rising more than 10% today to $101.
President Trump this morning said winning the Iran war is more important than rising oil prices, but his administration continues to scramble to ease the fuel price shock.
- Officials confirmed today they're considering a temporary waiver of the Jones Act, a 1920 maritime shipping law that critics say raises gasoline prices by blocking foreign tankers from moving oil and fuel between U.S. ports.
What they're saying: "In the interest of national defense, the White House is considering waiving the Jones Act for a limited period of time to ensure vital energy products and agricultural necessities are flowing freely to U.S. ports," press secretary Karoline Leavitt said in a statement.
- Other recent moves the admin has taken to limit fuel price spikes include a $20 billion maritime reinsurance program designed to reassure ship owners and restart tanker traffic through the Strait of Hormuz.
- Trump has also proposed naval escorts for commercial tankers traveling through the strait, with Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent today saying that would start "as soon as it is militarily possible."
2. Robot docs are open for a chat
Microsoft today announced Copilot Health, a new AI service that lets users upload electronic health records and data from fitness trackers and other devices, Axios' Ina Fried writes.
- Why it matters: Microsoft is entering one of AI's fastest-growing arenas — health care — as OpenAI, Amazon and others expand their medical chatbot offerings.
Driving the news: Microsoft said Copilot Health will let users combine medical records, lab results and wearable data — including from Apple Health, Oura and Fitbit — and have the system analyze it to generate personalized insights.
- It can draw on records from more than 50,000 U.S. health providers and data from 50 different types of wearable devices, Microsoft said.
- The tool can help users understand test results, identify trends in sleep, activity or vital signs, and prepare questions for doctors ahead of appointments.
The big picture: OpenAI announced ChatGPT Health in January, while Amazon on Tuesday said it was expanding access to its health chatbot, which previously was limited to customers of its One Medical service.
3. Other happenings
🚀 Tesla secured the federal government's approval to convert its stake in xAI into a position in SpaceX, which is acquiring the X owner. (Bloomberg)
🪫 Honda lost money in a full year for the first time since going public in the 1950s. The Japanese automaker's faltering EV strategy hurt the bottom line. (FT)
⚕️Medical device maker Stryker is dealing with a cyberattack allegedly by a group tied to Iran. (The Verge)
4. 🍔 Turning memes into money


McDonald's CEO Chris Kempczinski is getting the last laugh.
- A video of the boss (awkwardly) eating a burger went viral for days, prompting mockery and memes on X and TikTok.
📈 It also helped boost sales, Axios' Eleanor Hawkins writes.
Catch up quick: Kempczinski posted the video on LinkedIn a month ago to promote McDonald's new Big Arch burger.
- It sat there for a while, but took off after creators on X and TikTok started mocking the boss for his overly corporate presentation and stiffness.
- For one, he refers to the burger as a "product." 🫤
🤝 Yes, but: McDonald's leaned in to the moment.
- And according to a company spokesperson, early sales are beating expectations following the viral video.
📊 The bottom line: The buzz has translated into real value.
- And Kempczinski — who's been building his social media presence — has seen his follower count jump 30% since the video. 🫡
🗓️ On this day in 2009, Wall Street money manager Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to running the largest Ponzi scheme in history — about $65 billion reported on client statements when it collapsed, much of that in made-up profits. The scheme ran for nearly two decades. Over the next decade-plus, roughly 40,000 victims recovered about 94% of what they put in, minus what they had already withdrawn.
Today's newsletter was edited by Pete Gannon and copy edited by Sheryl Miller.
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