Illustration: Axios Visuals

Yesterday I asked Axios Pro Rata newsletter readers to help build a joke-book for our kids to read, as we try to balance working from home with childcare/makeshift school.

Why it matters: We could all use a little levity right now.

What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel

Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back.

Why didn’t the teddy-bear eat dessert?
He was already stuffed.

Want to hear a pizza joke?
Nevermind, it’s too cheesy!

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

What did the tree say to the horse?
Nothing. It’s a tree.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

If you’re an American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you’re in the bathroom?

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it.

Why don’t the animals at the zoo ever take tests?
Too many cheetahs

How can you make 7 an even number?
You take away the “s”

What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho cheese.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9

What do cows like to do in their free time?
Go to the moovies

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrrhg.

Why did the football players keep running into the woods?
Because the quarterback kept saying “Hike, Hike!”

What did the mermaid wash her fins with?

Why don’t seagulls fly over bays?
Because then they’d be bagels.

What’s Mozart’s favorite fruit?
A Ba-Na-Na-Na

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she’ll let it go.

Where in the world does Friday come before Thursday?
The dictionary

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

Why did the boy throw a stick of butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

Why do you never play poker in the jungle?
Because there are so many cheetahs!

What’s the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it to you.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

What did the coffee say to the cream?
I can not espresso my feelings for you but I love your latte.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

What did the snail say when it got on the turtle’s back?

Why was it so windy at the baseball park?
Because the fans went wild.

Why does it take mom so long to make Mexican food?
Because she likes to talk-o lot.

What did the traffic light say to the driver?
Stop staring at me, I’m changing!

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack!

What’s the richest animal?
Deer. They have big bucks and a lot of doe.

How do cows count?
With a cow-culator!

What did the buffalo say as his son left home?
“Bye son.”

Why did the farmer call his pig Ink?
Because it kept running out of the pen.

How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away his credit cards.

What’s the best thing about your anti-gravity book?
It’s impossible to put down.

What’s a dentist’s favorite game?
Tooth or dare

What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!

What is a dentist’s favorite time of day?
Tooth-hurty (2:30)

How did the guacamole get to outer space?
On a rocket chip

Two snowmen are standing in a field. 
One looks at the other and says, “Do you smell carrots?”

Have you heard of the bear with no ears?
He hasn’t heard of you either.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

A mushroom asks a caterpillar to dance at a school event. The caterpillar declines because the other is a mushroom.
The mushroom replies: “But I’m fun-gi.”

Knock knock. Who’s there? Little old lady. Little Old Lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel

Why is the Legos’ bathroom dirty?
Because they ran out of toy-let paper

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

What gets sharper the more you use it?
Your brain.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.

Go deeper

Felix Salmon, author of Capital
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Illustration: Eniola Odetunde/Axios

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Expand chart
Data: The COVID Tracking Project, state health departments; Note: Due to a database error, Missouri had a 3 day gap in reporting from Oct. 11-13; Map: Andrew Witherspoon/Axios

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