Kimmel's big quote: "This morning, the senators sat for an interview with Chris Cuomo, CNN, and pulled the 'all comedians are dummies' card... Oh, I get it, I don't understand because I'm a talk show host, right? Well, then help me out. Which part don't I understand? The part where you cut $243 billion from federal health-care assistance?... Or could it be, Sen. Cassidy, the problem is that I do understand and you got caught with your G-O-Penis out? Is that possible? Because it feels like it is."
- "When Sen. Cassidy was on my show in May, he told me that he believed that every American family, regardless of income, should be able to get quality health care. And I believed he was sincere. Sadly, the bill he unveiled last week with Sen. Lindsey Graham indicates that he was not sincere. It is, by many accounts, the worst health care bill yet."
- On 'Fox & Friends' host Brian Kilmeade calling Kimmel a "Hollywood elite" who keeps "pushing his politics on the rest of the country: "[T]he reason I'm talking about this is because my son had an open heart surgery... I don't get anything out of this, Brian, you phony little creep. Oh, I'll pound you when I see you."
- Sen. Graham told reporters that what I said last night was garbage... But I'm not going to attack Lindsey Graham for two reasons. Number one, he's one of the few Republicans who stands up to Donald Trump. And number two, Lindsey Graham happens to look a lot like my Grandma Jane who is now deceased."
- "[T]here's no way President Trump read this bill that he says is great... Can you imagine Donald Trump actually sitting down to read a health-care bill? It's like trying to imagine a dog doing your taxes."